Deer Delicacies

Deer Delicacies
By Richard Mason
Yep, we got them deer this year! Heck, we shot 'em with bows and arrows, muzzleloaders, and AK 47s, not to mention the thirty-aught sixes. Did we do any good? Sure did. The papers were full of dead deer pictures and proud hunters, from a four-year-old Porkers Chapel shooter to a 90 year old geezer from Bigfoot.
Now, with a freezer full of deer meat, we’re in good shape as we enter the second year of the George 'Herbert Hoover' Bush Depression, and, since we’re going to eat a lot of deer, this is a great time for some of our kitchen heroes to really get creative. Heck, I'll bet we've got some Arkansas cooks that would whip up some tasty dishes of unusual deer delicacies, if given the ingredients. So guys, step up to the plate, and if you whack a big buck, don't toss the mountains oysters out on the side of the road, like you do the innards and hide. Bring 'em home for Momma to cook. Well, she may take a little time to feel comfortable with a mess of mountain oysters, but heck, if those Cajun or Chinese cooks can handle blood sausage and pig’s ears, she’ll relish whipping up a batch of poached mountain oysters, or maybe
something French, like mountain oysters sautéed in their own juices. Makes your mouth water, don’t it?
But there's so much more. You know, if you’ve watched some of those exotic food shows on TV, there’re a lot of animal parts, we usually throw to the dog, that other folks eat. Let’s start with deer tongue? Deer tongue? Sure, the French would rather eat horse or cow tongue than a sirloin steak. How about a sliced and fried deer tongue sandwich on toasted white bread for junior’s lunch? I’ll guarantee you he’ll have a school lunch that will really stand out.
But folks we haven’t scratched the surface when it comes to edible deer parts. How about sautéed deer brains as a side dish this Christmas? I know you think I'm pulling your leg, but no. In south Arkansas, when we had fried squirrel for supper, grandmother would pounce on the head like it was a crown jewel, and then give that squirrel head several stout licks with the end of a knife to crack it. Usually, after a lick or so the eyeballs would shoot out, and if you weren't careful, you'd have to wipe a squirrel eyeball off your forehead before you could dig in. Well, after Grandmother cracked the head, she'd dig out the brains and plop them in her mouth.
"Hummmmm! The very best part of the squirrel!" She'd always say.
Okay, if Grandmother can eat squirrel brains, what about deer brains? Don't we eat calf brains? So guys, when you bring home a big buck, get out the hammer, whack that deer head, pull out a mess of brains and throw ‘em in the sink. Then say, “Honey, I want them brains medium rare.”
Well, there’s so much more tasty food we can get from a deer. Just think of the unusual dishes we’d get, if we’d let a Cajun, Chinese, and a French cook into an Arkansas kitchen, and plop down a mess of special deer parts for them to work on. Shoot, they'd come up with dishes that would make your stomach do flips. Just think of Cajun deer blood sausage or fried chitlins, or maybe Chinese Deer Hoof Soup, or Tibetan Candied Eyeballs.
Well, cooking is one thing, but every good cook needs fresh ingredients, so this may take a trip to the deer camp. I strongly recommend you arrive well before lunch. An arrival late in the day would be embarrassing to all, and instead of getting your special ingredients, you’d probably be recruited to head for the hospital with those hunters that had staggered into the campfire. So, try to arrive around 11:00 A. M. just as the hunters are coming in from a morning hunt and pick out the biggest deer of the bunch. Then, pointing to the big deer, say,
“Bubba, get me two fruit jars of blood, the tongue, the mountain oysters, eyes, ears, innards, and, oh yeah, don’t forget the hooves and put ‘em in this Wal-Mart sack."
After you have your sack full of delicacies, thank everyone, and say this, "What time is supper? Y'all have been so helpful, I'm gonna go home and cook these up, and I'll be back later to serve them. Don 't bother to cook tonight."
Well, don't bother to show back up either, because the guys will spend the rest of the day moving camp .